Am I being moody?  It seems that I've been here before.  Felt like this before.  Acted like this before.  Like I didn't belong.  Like I'm out of place.  What am I doing at Toastmasters?  Perhaps it's a sign of burn out, after thinking breathing and living speeches for weeks in a row.  And then realizing that it was all for naught:  That the speech is still not good enough.  That my damn flaws are so difficult to correct.  That I still cannot connect with the audience.  Have I wasted my time in the past 9 months?  

The feeling of apathy, emptiness and helplessness, the seemingly darkness that surrounds what I once called my passion is all too obvious.  The only sensation that exist are numbness, blindness, and heartlessness.  The road on which I want to travel has come to a deadend.  The movie that I am playing has been cut short.  The door that has been opened for me now leads to an naked room.  Tonight I mustered up all my will to motivate myself.   Just to get out of my chair to deliver an evaluation.  And I felt exhausted.   Not an additional ounce of energy was spared to be friendly, to mingle with guests, or even to engage with the members.  It all seems so hopeless on my way back home.  Hopeless indeed. 

And yet I have to remind myself, that I have been there before. Felt like that before.  And acted like that before.  And after weeks of soul searching, I discovered that the love for speaking was still there.  Sure, it was buried beneath the unresolved manure of my life.  But it never left.  And so I will hang on another day, and still work on my next speech.  Even though I feel spent.  The love is still there.  I will find it again.   Besides, at this point in my life, I really don't have any other choice. 

If any of you reading this has felt this way towards a new passion of yours, whether it be Toastmasters, or other hobbies, remind yourself that the feeling might just be temporary.  True passion can be camouflaged, but rarely can be easily decimated by our weak psychology.  And I am holding on to the hope that this passion of mine belongs in that category.